The History Of The Month: The Final Chapter!
Only a true procrastinator such as myself would actually take a month to write and post the story of the events that had transpired the month before. Now to be fair, the month that I’ve been trying to slowly chronicle here was a busy one to say the least. My hurried relationship ended, I was a passenger in a stolen vehicle, and then I took a weekend trip back to Maine and caught up with some friends I hadn’t seen in months. But that was just the first half of the month.
Upon returning back to New York, and work at Blockheads life slowly began to return to normal. The trip to Maine had done me a world of good, and I was ready to face life again.
I decided to journey out that Tuesday, for a night of karaoke at Pieces....
Rewind.
A few weeks earlier, while Shane and I were "happy" together, we’d met a boy out at Pieces named Casper. Casper and I sparked, and both of us seemed to know it, but I was in a relationship that I was happy in, and determined to make work. Casper and I kept in touch, and had hung out once after "Shane" had left. We’d kissed that night, but my wounds were still fresh and I ended up making a drunken ass out of myself.
Well on this particular Tuesday, I’d persuaded a reluctant Casper to join me for a little karaoke. I got there, and we stood and talked for a bit. We headed outside to smoke a butt, and began chatting. While we were chatting, someone else joined us. Apparently, Casper had made plans to meet someone else out that night, and it appeared was just killing time hanging out with me until they got there. They started talking, and I sensed that there was an interest between the two of them, so I immediately seperated myself from the conversation, and smoked my cigarette a few feet away. I ignored them as they walked back inside, and was left to decide whether or not I wanted to leave, and just let the wretchedness of the day end there, or go inside, get totally wasted and see if I couldn’t top the days miserable events.
It doesn’t take a college graduate (or even a high school one for that matter) to figure out what choice I made.
As I stood outside, debating, a cute boy also smoking a cigarette caught my eye. He had observed the events that transpired with Casper and gave me a sweet "Hey." when we made eye contact.
"I think I’m about to go inside and get wasted off my ass!" I resolved aloud. "It’s just been that kind of day."
The boy introduced himself as Sean, and I invited him to come back in and bear witness to the heavy drinking I was about to engage in. He accepted, and we spent the next few hours sitting at the bar, sharing life stories, laughing (a bit) and drinking (a lot). He had beautiful eyes. Kind eyes. Warm eyes. And we were definitely flirting, and connecting.
As the night drew to a close, I proposed a trip to a diner around the corner where we could continue talking some more. Sean accepted and off we went.
Another hour of conversation followed at the diner, and though I wasn’t as wasted as I’d planned (I was having such a good time talking to Sean, that I didn’t concentrate fully on my drinking, and ended up only mildly drunk.) I was still drunk enough to take the next step and invite Sean to come home with me. He accepted, and we talked some more as we walked back to my golden palace.
Halfway there, we stopped randomly on the side of the street and shared a kiss. It was a good kiss. Gentle. Delicate. But nice.
"I need to tell you something before we get back to your place." Sean said in a whisper.
In the distance I could almost hear "Fate" (that bitch!) gearing up for yet another one of her cruel jokes on me.
"Those are never good words to hear." I said, trying to sound light and fun.
"Well, if we end up getting naked, I’m afraid you might be disappointed with what I’ve got."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Jesus, is that all?" I almost laughed. "I’m far from a size queen."
And I kissed him again.
When the kiss ended I saw the look in his eyes. The look that said I wasn’t quite getting the point.
"OK," Sean said. "Maybe I should just show you."
He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and handed me his drivers license.
It was as bad a drivers license picture as I’d ever seen. He certainly wasn’t winning any hottie contests with that picture. But having a bad drivers license is far to common to be a source of insecurity.
I glanced at the age on the license. It coincided with the age he’d told me.
I didn’t understand...
...until I saw the name. "Stacy"
"I’m on hormones, and in the next few years, I will be a man. But right now ... I’m still biologically a woman."
My jaw dropped to the ground.
"Excuse me," I said, pulling out my phone. "I need to call my best friend. Can you excuse me just a moment?"
Jamie didn’t answer. And I didn’t know how to react. I liked this boy... he’d saved my night. But HE was really a SHE. Taped down breasts, and a vagina inside those jeans.
I KISSED A GIRL!
I didn’t think about what I was going to say, I just allowed myself to speak my mind.
"I’m not really sure how to react to this. I’ve NEVER had anything like this happen before." I said, in could have been the understatement of the year. "But, I’ve had a great time with you tonight. I invited you to come back and hang out with me, and that invitation still stands. I’m not sure that I’m capable of more... certainly not without really processing this. But, I’d still like to hang out more."
We walked the rest of the way back to my place, and I proceeded to ask tons of questions on the way.
Once back in my room, and laying on my bed, we switched on the television and laid together.
"I had a really good time tonight, and I’m glad we met." I said as I looked into Sean’s eyes. I moved in close, put my hand on his (her?) face, and we kissed again. Then I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
Sean was gone the next morning, but I was left with the story of perhaps the most insane thing that has ever happened to me.
Oi vey!
Now, that story warranted a detailed telling, but I’m going to just give the broad strokes of the next few weeks, so I can catch my blog up to present, and finally start making a daily effort to write about my ever-changing, and constantly insane life.
A week after my night with Sean, I went into Blockheads on my night off to cover a shift for a co-worker who had other plans. I might not have gotten out of bed, and gone in to peddle $3 frozen margaritas that night if I’d known it would be the night I got fired.
The details aren’t really important. My manager was looking for an excuse to get rid of the white boy, and I did something stupid that gave him just the reason he needed.
I spent the next few days depressed and trying to figure out what to do next. The idea of looking for a new job was daunting enough, but the idea of learning and getting comfortable at a new restaurant seemed like more then I had the energy for.
I went home to PA for Labor Day weekend, and spent a little quality time with my family. We had a cookout, did a movie night, and I got my birthday presents. One was the laptop that I now write all my blog entries on (sometimes while sitting in cute coffee shops!) And the other was a DVD. A very special DVD.
Through most of my childhood, my father had taken home movies on an old fashioned movie camera he owned. Every family event was captured on film, that was boxed and kept in his den for many years.
Apparently, the motivation had struck him to put together a DVD of the first 6 years of my life. My parents presented me with the 90 minute DVD and sat with me as I watched it for the first time. I never thought something like that would touch me the way that it did. I found myself almost crying at various points in the movie. As a kid who always thought his father was rather unemotional, and never felt overtly close to, I was amazed to see just how clear it was that my father loved me while watching the DVD. The Christmas presents I got as a child, the first sleigh ride he took me on, our bike trips to feed the ducks, the toys he MADE for me that I enjoyed for many years.
In many ways we weren’t the closest Father and Son, but I realized, perhaps for the first time, while watching the movie, just how much my father really did love me.
I also observed that as a child (and still as an adult actually) I was rather doplic, and seemed to fall... A LOT. Over and over and over throughout the 90 minutes, I would be seen falling on my ass. It struck me as I watched myself fall again and again, that I would always pick myself right back up.
I get knocked down... But I get up again! :)
I returned to New York, with more ambition to "get up again", find a new waitering job, and get my stability back. My parents helped me out financially, for the first time in years, for weeks while I looked.
Finally last Monday, I decided that it was time to start being realistic. Weeks had gone by and I hadn’t found a job. Depression was setting in, which made looking even harder. I made the decision to give it until the end of the week, and if I hadn’t found a job, then I was going to have to return to Maine, and Friendly’s for a few months, so I could put aside some more money. It wasn’t fair to my parents for this to continue indefinitely and my depression was getting worse by the day.
That afternoon, I applied at a hot new restaurant in a popular Manhattan neighborhood. The interview went well, and the restaurant was just opening and looking to staff. I felt good about it, but I’d felt good about other jobs in the past few weeks, so I decided not to allow my hopes to get up
"I’ll call you in the next few days and let you know," Nathan, the hottie who interviewed me, told me, as I left.
I’d given a really great interview... if nothing else I could say I’d given it my all.
An hour later "The Hottie" called to tell me I had the job, and I started Thursday.
As much as Fate loves to fuck with me, she made it very clear that I was not meant to leave New York again. I did it once, and spent 5 years fighting to come back. Finally, a break had come my way.
This brings us up to almost the present. I’ve spent the past few days training, and am extremely excited about the new restaurant. In the end, I think it will be a good move for me, and perhaps everything (at least in this case) really did happen for a reason.
Even with things looking up, depression has managed to keep a hold on me the past few days. I don’t really know the source of it, which makes it a bit difficult to fight, but I keep telling myself that my life is going better, so eventually my brain will get the message, and start registering "Happy" ...
One source of my depression might stem from what tomorrow holds for me. Tonight at midnight to be more exact. At the stroke of 12 this evening, I’ll turn 29 years old.
It brings up a world of thoughts about the life that I’ve led up until now... the life I’m living now ... and the life I want for myself. 29 is also a hard year because it’s the last birthday in my 20's. Next year comes the big 30 ... and though I don’t feel my age, even slightly, it’s still a very daunting number.
I don’t feel my age. I don’t feel 28. And tomorrow I won’t feel 29.
Some days I feel 18 ... some days I feel 58.
Some days I feel the reason I don’t feel my age, is because I’m not sure how my age is supposed to feel. They say another year older, another year wiser.
Maybe that wisdom will come to me tomorrow along with that extra fucking year!
My 29'th birthday is almost here. The first of many, if I have my way!
Upon returning back to New York, and work at Blockheads life slowly began to return to normal. The trip to Maine had done me a world of good, and I was ready to face life again.
I decided to journey out that Tuesday, for a night of karaoke at Pieces....
Rewind.
A few weeks earlier, while Shane and I were "happy" together, we’d met a boy out at Pieces named Casper. Casper and I sparked, and both of us seemed to know it, but I was in a relationship that I was happy in, and determined to make work. Casper and I kept in touch, and had hung out once after "Shane" had left. We’d kissed that night, but my wounds were still fresh and I ended up making a drunken ass out of myself.
Well on this particular Tuesday, I’d persuaded a reluctant Casper to join me for a little karaoke. I got there, and we stood and talked for a bit. We headed outside to smoke a butt, and began chatting. While we were chatting, someone else joined us. Apparently, Casper had made plans to meet someone else out that night, and it appeared was just killing time hanging out with me until they got there. They started talking, and I sensed that there was an interest between the two of them, so I immediately seperated myself from the conversation, and smoked my cigarette a few feet away. I ignored them as they walked back inside, and was left to decide whether or not I wanted to leave, and just let the wretchedness of the day end there, or go inside, get totally wasted and see if I couldn’t top the days miserable events.
It doesn’t take a college graduate (or even a high school one for that matter) to figure out what choice I made.
As I stood outside, debating, a cute boy also smoking a cigarette caught my eye. He had observed the events that transpired with Casper and gave me a sweet "Hey." when we made eye contact.
"I think I’m about to go inside and get wasted off my ass!" I resolved aloud. "It’s just been that kind of day."
The boy introduced himself as Sean, and I invited him to come back in and bear witness to the heavy drinking I was about to engage in. He accepted, and we spent the next few hours sitting at the bar, sharing life stories, laughing (a bit) and drinking (a lot). He had beautiful eyes. Kind eyes. Warm eyes. And we were definitely flirting, and connecting.
As the night drew to a close, I proposed a trip to a diner around the corner where we could continue talking some more. Sean accepted and off we went.
Another hour of conversation followed at the diner, and though I wasn’t as wasted as I’d planned (I was having such a good time talking to Sean, that I didn’t concentrate fully on my drinking, and ended up only mildly drunk.) I was still drunk enough to take the next step and invite Sean to come home with me. He accepted, and we talked some more as we walked back to my golden palace.
Halfway there, we stopped randomly on the side of the street and shared a kiss. It was a good kiss. Gentle. Delicate. But nice.
"I need to tell you something before we get back to your place." Sean said in a whisper.
In the distance I could almost hear "Fate" (that bitch!) gearing up for yet another one of her cruel jokes on me.
"Those are never good words to hear." I said, trying to sound light and fun.
"Well, if we end up getting naked, I’m afraid you might be disappointed with what I’ve got."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Jesus, is that all?" I almost laughed. "I’m far from a size queen."
And I kissed him again.
When the kiss ended I saw the look in his eyes. The look that said I wasn’t quite getting the point.
"OK," Sean said. "Maybe I should just show you."
He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and handed me his drivers license.
It was as bad a drivers license picture as I’d ever seen. He certainly wasn’t winning any hottie contests with that picture. But having a bad drivers license is far to common to be a source of insecurity.
I glanced at the age on the license. It coincided with the age he’d told me.
I didn’t understand...
...until I saw the name. "Stacy"
"I’m on hormones, and in the next few years, I will be a man. But right now ... I’m still biologically a woman."
My jaw dropped to the ground.
"Excuse me," I said, pulling out my phone. "I need to call my best friend. Can you excuse me just a moment?"
Jamie didn’t answer. And I didn’t know how to react. I liked this boy... he’d saved my night. But HE was really a SHE. Taped down breasts, and a vagina inside those jeans.
I KISSED A GIRL!
I didn’t think about what I was going to say, I just allowed myself to speak my mind.
"I’m not really sure how to react to this. I’ve NEVER had anything like this happen before." I said, in could have been the understatement of the year. "But, I’ve had a great time with you tonight. I invited you to come back and hang out with me, and that invitation still stands. I’m not sure that I’m capable of more... certainly not without really processing this. But, I’d still like to hang out more."
We walked the rest of the way back to my place, and I proceeded to ask tons of questions on the way.
Once back in my room, and laying on my bed, we switched on the television and laid together.
"I had a really good time tonight, and I’m glad we met." I said as I looked into Sean’s eyes. I moved in close, put my hand on his (her?) face, and we kissed again. Then I closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
Sean was gone the next morning, but I was left with the story of perhaps the most insane thing that has ever happened to me.
Oi vey!
Now, that story warranted a detailed telling, but I’m going to just give the broad strokes of the next few weeks, so I can catch my blog up to present, and finally start making a daily effort to write about my ever-changing, and constantly insane life.
A week after my night with Sean, I went into Blockheads on my night off to cover a shift for a co-worker who had other plans. I might not have gotten out of bed, and gone in to peddle $3 frozen margaritas that night if I’d known it would be the night I got fired.
The details aren’t really important. My manager was looking for an excuse to get rid of the white boy, and I did something stupid that gave him just the reason he needed.
I spent the next few days depressed and trying to figure out what to do next. The idea of looking for a new job was daunting enough, but the idea of learning and getting comfortable at a new restaurant seemed like more then I had the energy for.
I went home to PA for Labor Day weekend, and spent a little quality time with my family. We had a cookout, did a movie night, and I got my birthday presents. One was the laptop that I now write all my blog entries on (sometimes while sitting in cute coffee shops!) And the other was a DVD. A very special DVD.
Through most of my childhood, my father had taken home movies on an old fashioned movie camera he owned. Every family event was captured on film, that was boxed and kept in his den for many years.
Apparently, the motivation had struck him to put together a DVD of the first 6 years of my life. My parents presented me with the 90 minute DVD and sat with me as I watched it for the first time. I never thought something like that would touch me the way that it did. I found myself almost crying at various points in the movie. As a kid who always thought his father was rather unemotional, and never felt overtly close to, I was amazed to see just how clear it was that my father loved me while watching the DVD. The Christmas presents I got as a child, the first sleigh ride he took me on, our bike trips to feed the ducks, the toys he MADE for me that I enjoyed for many years.
In many ways we weren’t the closest Father and Son, but I realized, perhaps for the first time, while watching the movie, just how much my father really did love me.
I also observed that as a child (and still as an adult actually) I was rather doplic, and seemed to fall... A LOT. Over and over and over throughout the 90 minutes, I would be seen falling on my ass. It struck me as I watched myself fall again and again, that I would always pick myself right back up.
I get knocked down... But I get up again! :)
I returned to New York, with more ambition to "get up again", find a new waitering job, and get my stability back. My parents helped me out financially, for the first time in years, for weeks while I looked.
Finally last Monday, I decided that it was time to start being realistic. Weeks had gone by and I hadn’t found a job. Depression was setting in, which made looking even harder. I made the decision to give it until the end of the week, and if I hadn’t found a job, then I was going to have to return to Maine, and Friendly’s for a few months, so I could put aside some more money. It wasn’t fair to my parents for this to continue indefinitely and my depression was getting worse by the day.
That afternoon, I applied at a hot new restaurant in a popular Manhattan neighborhood. The interview went well, and the restaurant was just opening and looking to staff. I felt good about it, but I’d felt good about other jobs in the past few weeks, so I decided not to allow my hopes to get up
"I’ll call you in the next few days and let you know," Nathan, the hottie who interviewed me, told me, as I left.
I’d given a really great interview... if nothing else I could say I’d given it my all.
An hour later "The Hottie" called to tell me I had the job, and I started Thursday.
As much as Fate loves to fuck with me, she made it very clear that I was not meant to leave New York again. I did it once, and spent 5 years fighting to come back. Finally, a break had come my way.
This brings us up to almost the present. I’ve spent the past few days training, and am extremely excited about the new restaurant. In the end, I think it will be a good move for me, and perhaps everything (at least in this case) really did happen for a reason.
Even with things looking up, depression has managed to keep a hold on me the past few days. I don’t really know the source of it, which makes it a bit difficult to fight, but I keep telling myself that my life is going better, so eventually my brain will get the message, and start registering "Happy" ...
One source of my depression might stem from what tomorrow holds for me. Tonight at midnight to be more exact. At the stroke of 12 this evening, I’ll turn 29 years old.
It brings up a world of thoughts about the life that I’ve led up until now... the life I’m living now ... and the life I want for myself. 29 is also a hard year because it’s the last birthday in my 20's. Next year comes the big 30 ... and though I don’t feel my age, even slightly, it’s still a very daunting number.
I don’t feel my age. I don’t feel 28. And tomorrow I won’t feel 29.
Some days I feel 18 ... some days I feel 58.
Some days I feel the reason I don’t feel my age, is because I’m not sure how my age is supposed to feel. They say another year older, another year wiser.
Maybe that wisdom will come to me tomorrow along with that extra fucking year!
My 29'th birthday is almost here. The first of many, if I have my way!
posted by Kevin at 9:04 AM
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