Macy's: The Voyage From Hell
It all seemed innocent enough from the start.
"Bring the pot and the bowl from my apartment," Skylar told me on the phone. "Meet me at my office and we're going to smoke some pot then go do some shopping.
Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then having to go shopping with a girl. I hate watching them try on outfit after outfit. They laugh at my suggestions of what looks nice. I'm constantly sprayed with perfume or cologne that I find repulsive. In general I'm just not a fan of shopping unless I've got a credit card, and am leavin with some shit for me.
But, almost anything is fun with Skylar. And EVERYTHING with Skylar is an adventure. The trip to Macy's was no exception.
As we were smoking pot in a courtyard near her office, preparing for our shopping spree she informed me we'd be shopping at the Macy's in Brooklyn, not the big one in Herald Square. Now Skylar lives in Brooklyn, so I was ok with that. It'd take less time, and my ordeal would be over sooner. Plus, Macy's is Macy's, right?
Oh no, my friends. Macy's is NOT Macy's.
The first part of the adventure was getting on the subway high as a kite, during the middle of rush hour. Everyone coming home from a long day of work, shoving each other to get a spot on the train ....and there Skylar and I are: high and hanging on for dear life.
Walking through the subway stop, Skylar noticed something.
"Look!" she said, pulling on my arm. "Look at the ass on that white girl."
I looked around, but wasn't really particularly interested until the ass in question actually caught my attention.
HOLY SHIT! This was not just a big ass for a white girl. This was a big ass for a goddamned hippopotomus. And not only that, she was wearing these tight jeans, that made it look like she'd stuffed about 8 rolls of toilet paper in there for cushioning.
Immediately Skylar whips out her cell phone and I knew what was coming. Walking down the platform, surrounded by people trying to reach their various destinations, Skylar was aiming her camera phone at this girls big fat ass and trying to take a picture.
The girl escaped before the offending picture could be taken, otherwise there'd be a link in the story taking you to a visual aid.
We arrive in Brooklyn and stumble around for a few minutes before finally finding our way to Macy's. It was clear from the first step I took inside that the Brooklyn Macy's was a little bit on the ghetto side. Certainly not the posh store you'd find just a short subway ride away in Manhattan.
But we were there and immediately Skylar headed for the Clinique section of the make-up floor. She handed the clerk a piece of paper and said "I need those."
While the clerk searched for her products, Skylar produced from her purse a small empty container with "MAC" embossed on it.
"Go take this to the MAC counter and tell them you need another one just like it."
Now you may find this hard to believe, but I'm actually one of those fags who has NEVER been to a MAC counter before. (My ex boyfriend Adrian would cringe if he knew that) I took this as an oppurtunity to go amuse myself, so I grabbed the empty container and headed off to the MAC counter.
"Hi," I said as I walked up. "She said I'm supposed to give you this and say I need one just like it."
The woman laughed, mistaking me for an incompetent boyfriend who'd been sent on a mission. I picked up on this immediately and decided to play the part. I stood there playing my part while they searched for her eyeshadow.
"I'm sorry, we're out of that color." the woman said, poking her head up from the counter.
"Oh no," I groaned. "You're going to get me in so much trouble."
The girls laughed and I headed over to Skylar to give her the bad news and to tell her about the charade I was playing off with the MAC girls.
As it turns out, Clinque was also out of what Skylar was looking for and my news was not well received. She also didn't believe for a minute the MAC girls thought I was straight.
She grabbed my hand and stormed over to the counter where they apologized and set about helping her find other colors. As I was giving my opinion on various colors, the one girl remarked "You have such a nice boyfriend to help you shop like this."
A satisfied grin crossed my faith and I mouthed at Skylar "Told ya so."
After a few minutes, I casually remarked "Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then shopping with her."
The salesgirl looked up surprised, and I gave Skylar another satisfied smile.
The next order of business was clothes.
ARGH!
The ones she liked were either too big or too small. We floated back and forth between what she called "The Skinny Bitch" section and "The Fat Girl" section finding nothing she both liked and fit her in either. After an hour, we finally made our way to the fitting rooms with about 85 different choices. OK. it was more like 3 shirts and 4 pairs of pants ... Finding the fitting rooms were a bit of an ordeal themselves, and then I sat and watched TV while she tried on outfits and occasionally paraded one out for approval.
Finally she came storming out of the dressing room with an armful of clothes.
"Let's get out of here before I get into a fight with that stupid bitch!" Skylar barked in a rather loud voice.
On the way to the checkout counter, Skylar went on to tell me how some rude salesclerk had tried to rush her and "copped a tude."
Standing in line waiting to pay, I overheard a woman behind us saying to her friend "I can't believe you let your husband walk around with no teeth."
I certainly wouldn't have overheard this at the Manhattan Macy's.
The last order of business was to try to get a price adjustment on a pair of pants that Skylar wanted, but that was missing a button.
"Let me get a manager," the girl at the checkout line told her. "But I don't think she'll do it."
A bleached blonde fat chick with a mullet waddled over and veto'd Skylar's discount.
"That's ok, I didn't expect you to help me." Skylar snapped, pulling out her credit card to buy the pants anyway.
As the woman waddled back to the other side of the store, Skylar mumbled under her breathe "Fat Cunt."
"Can we stop in the men's department? I wanna see their DKNY stuff..." I asked as we headed towards the front door.
Suddennly the bell sounded alerting us the store was closing.
"Never mind." I said as we walked out of the store and back towards Skylar's house.
Back at Skylar's house, the trauma of the Macy's ordeal was washed away as we smoked a bowl and watched American Idol. Dinner was delivered about 3o minutes later (mine was penne pasta in a creamy tomato sauce with ground beef and asparagus) and by 11 o'clock I was sound asleep, and my night at Macy's would now be just a distant memory.
"Bring the pot and the bowl from my apartment," Skylar told me on the phone. "Meet me at my office and we're going to smoke some pot then go do some shopping.
Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then having to go shopping with a girl. I hate watching them try on outfit after outfit. They laugh at my suggestions of what looks nice. I'm constantly sprayed with perfume or cologne that I find repulsive. In general I'm just not a fan of shopping unless I've got a credit card, and am leavin with some shit for me.
But, almost anything is fun with Skylar. And EVERYTHING with Skylar is an adventure. The trip to Macy's was no exception.
As we were smoking pot in a courtyard near her office, preparing for our shopping spree she informed me we'd be shopping at the Macy's in Brooklyn, not the big one in Herald Square. Now Skylar lives in Brooklyn, so I was ok with that. It'd take less time, and my ordeal would be over sooner. Plus, Macy's is Macy's, right?
Oh no, my friends. Macy's is NOT Macy's.
The first part of the adventure was getting on the subway high as a kite, during the middle of rush hour. Everyone coming home from a long day of work, shoving each other to get a spot on the train ....and there Skylar and I are: high and hanging on for dear life.
Walking through the subway stop, Skylar noticed something.
"Look!" she said, pulling on my arm. "Look at the ass on that white girl."
I looked around, but wasn't really particularly interested until the ass in question actually caught my attention.
HOLY SHIT! This was not just a big ass for a white girl. This was a big ass for a goddamned hippopotomus. And not only that, she was wearing these tight jeans, that made it look like she'd stuffed about 8 rolls of toilet paper in there for cushioning.
Immediately Skylar whips out her cell phone and I knew what was coming. Walking down the platform, surrounded by people trying to reach their various destinations, Skylar was aiming her camera phone at this girls big fat ass and trying to take a picture.
The girl escaped before the offending picture could be taken, otherwise there'd be a link in the story taking you to a visual aid.
We arrive in Brooklyn and stumble around for a few minutes before finally finding our way to Macy's. It was clear from the first step I took inside that the Brooklyn Macy's was a little bit on the ghetto side. Certainly not the posh store you'd find just a short subway ride away in Manhattan.
But we were there and immediately Skylar headed for the Clinique section of the make-up floor. She handed the clerk a piece of paper and said "I need those."
While the clerk searched for her products, Skylar produced from her purse a small empty container with "MAC" embossed on it.
"Go take this to the MAC counter and tell them you need another one just like it."
Now you may find this hard to believe, but I'm actually one of those fags who has NEVER been to a MAC counter before. (My ex boyfriend Adrian would cringe if he knew that) I took this as an oppurtunity to go amuse myself, so I grabbed the empty container and headed off to the MAC counter.
"Hi," I said as I walked up. "She said I'm supposed to give you this and say I need one just like it."
The woman laughed, mistaking me for an incompetent boyfriend who'd been sent on a mission. I picked up on this immediately and decided to play the part. I stood there playing my part while they searched for her eyeshadow.
"I'm sorry, we're out of that color." the woman said, poking her head up from the counter.
"Oh no," I groaned. "You're going to get me in so much trouble."
The girls laughed and I headed over to Skylar to give her the bad news and to tell her about the charade I was playing off with the MAC girls.
As it turns out, Clinque was also out of what Skylar was looking for and my news was not well received. She also didn't believe for a minute the MAC girls thought I was straight.
She grabbed my hand and stormed over to the counter where they apologized and set about helping her find other colors. As I was giving my opinion on various colors, the one girl remarked "You have such a nice boyfriend to help you shop like this."
A satisfied grin crossed my faith and I mouthed at Skylar "Told ya so."
After a few minutes, I casually remarked "Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then shopping with her."
The salesgirl looked up surprised, and I gave Skylar another satisfied smile.
The next order of business was clothes.
ARGH!
The ones she liked were either too big or too small. We floated back and forth between what she called "The Skinny Bitch" section and "The Fat Girl" section finding nothing she both liked and fit her in either. After an hour, we finally made our way to the fitting rooms with about 85 different choices. OK. it was more like 3 shirts and 4 pairs of pants ... Finding the fitting rooms were a bit of an ordeal themselves, and then I sat and watched TV while she tried on outfits and occasionally paraded one out for approval.
Finally she came storming out of the dressing room with an armful of clothes.
"Let's get out of here before I get into a fight with that stupid bitch!" Skylar barked in a rather loud voice.
On the way to the checkout counter, Skylar went on to tell me how some rude salesclerk had tried to rush her and "copped a tude."
Standing in line waiting to pay, I overheard a woman behind us saying to her friend "I can't believe you let your husband walk around with no teeth."
I certainly wouldn't have overheard this at the Manhattan Macy's.
The last order of business was to try to get a price adjustment on a pair of pants that Skylar wanted, but that was missing a button.
"Let me get a manager," the girl at the checkout line told her. "But I don't think she'll do it."
A bleached blonde fat chick with a mullet waddled over and veto'd Skylar's discount.
"That's ok, I didn't expect you to help me." Skylar snapped, pulling out her credit card to buy the pants anyway.
As the woman waddled back to the other side of the store, Skylar mumbled under her breathe "Fat Cunt."
"Can we stop in the men's department? I wanna see their DKNY stuff..." I asked as we headed towards the front door.
Suddennly the bell sounded alerting us the store was closing.
"Never mind." I said as we walked out of the store and back towards Skylar's house.
Back at Skylar's house, the trauma of the Macy's ordeal was washed away as we smoked a bowl and watched American Idol. Dinner was delivered about 3o minutes later (mine was penne pasta in a creamy tomato sauce with ground beef and asparagus) and by 11 o'clock I was sound asleep, and my night at Macy's would now be just a distant memory.
posted by Kevin at 2:09 PM
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