A Letter To A Friend,

The following is a private letter I'm writing ... a private letter I'm writing here for it's recipient and for anybody who might find something in it's words enriching in any way.

Dear Amanda,

I'm writing this letter a little bit late. I'd planned to write letters to all of these people I knew and had something left to say to in Maine, before I left Portland. It's a thiing I do when I move cities. I have much unsaid to many people I suppose. Maybe that's just normal and everyone does, at least to some degree. I had planned to write letters to the most random people... a one-night stand... a friend I'd lost touch with ... a co-worker.... an ex-boyfriend I felt some unresolved issues with ... a taxi driver who'd become a friend.. or ... to you Amanda.

You were my first real friend at Denny's when I first moved to Portland. You covered my ass and saved my job so many times by covering for my ass. You'd always make me feel better when something was driving me crazy at work. Or when I was sad. When I lost my job and almost my sanity for a little bit and you text messaged me as I was in the depths of depression on New Years Day cause I'd lost my job, I was alone after Jamie left, and I was going to be faced with starting all over and uncertain I had the strength. You text messaged me and said "people love you. you're going to be alright."

You did all of these things for me and then when I no longer worked at Denny's I somehow just let the connection go. Sure, I came in a few times... I brought Bobby in when I first met that hottie and paraded him for you to see. And I told you to call me. And you said I should call you.

And I didn't.

And then when I moved out of Portland, you were on that list of people I was going to write goodbye letters to ... But I put everything off till the last minute and so I never wrote those letters. That letter that was going to tell you that the friendship you offered me just in text messages that day brought me out of perhaps what was the lowest my will to live had ever reached. I should have written this letter earlier but I didn't, cause sometimes I'm just a jackass.

This evening when I hung up the phone with Eric, who had called to tell me the news, I sat there for a moment and wondered. What if I'd written that letter? But I didn't. And so apparently this morning something took you to your lowest point and you hung yourself. I've only ever heard Eric cry one other time, Amanda. He doesn't show emotion. He especially doesn't show it to me. So you touched him too Amanda. You were so good at making everybody else feel better. All of us at Denny's. All of your friends everywhere I'd suspect. And your sadness was right there. It was clear for all of us to see, but you made it so easy to almost miss it... and I guess we just wanted to. I don't have any clue what drove you to do what you did this morning, but I wish I'd taken more time to find out. I wish I'd written this letter sooner to thank you, rather than later to apologiz.

But I'm sorry for whatever sadness you felt that you just couldn't find your way out of. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you like you were for me. And I'm sorry that such a wonderful light in this world has now left it to be an angel in it's sky.

Be At Peace-

Kevin

PS: If it's at all possible to request guardian angels, I'd like to put in an advanced order for you. I think that you'd probably be about the best one could hope for.

Macy's: The Voyage From Hell

It all seemed innocent enough from the start.

"Bring the pot and the bowl from my apartment," Skylar told me on the phone. "Meet me at my office and we're going to smoke some pot then go do some shopping.

Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then having to go shopping with a girl. I hate watching them try on outfit after outfit. They laugh at my suggestions of what looks nice. I'm constantly sprayed with perfume or cologne that I find repulsive. In general I'm just not a fan of shopping unless I've got a credit card, and am leavin with some shit for me.

But, almost anything is fun with Skylar. And EVERYTHING with Skylar is an adventure. The trip to Macy's was no exception.

As we were smoking pot in a courtyard near her office, preparing for our shopping spree she informed me we'd be shopping at the Macy's in Brooklyn, not the big one in Herald Square. Now Skylar lives in Brooklyn, so I was ok with that. It'd take less time, and my ordeal would be over sooner. Plus, Macy's is Macy's, right?

Oh no, my friends. Macy's is NOT Macy's.

The first part of the adventure was getting on the subway high as a kite, during the middle of rush hour. Everyone coming home from a long day of work, shoving each other to get a spot on the train ....and there Skylar and I are: high and hanging on for dear life.

Walking through the subway stop, Skylar noticed something.

"Look!" she said, pulling on my arm. "Look at the ass on that white girl."

I looked around, but wasn't really particularly interested until the ass in question actually caught my attention.

HOLY SHIT! This was not just a big ass for a white girl. This was a big ass for a goddamned hippopotomus. And not only that, she was wearing these tight jeans, that made it look like she'd stuffed about 8 rolls of toilet paper in there for cushioning.

Immediately Skylar whips out her cell phone and I knew what was coming. Walking down the platform, surrounded by people trying to reach their various destinations, Skylar was aiming her camera phone at this girls big fat ass and trying to take a picture.

The girl escaped before the offending picture could be taken, otherwise there'd be a link in the story taking you to a visual aid.

We arrive in Brooklyn and stumble around for a few minutes before finally finding our way to Macy's. It was clear from the first step I took inside that the Brooklyn Macy's was a little bit on the ghetto side. Certainly not the posh store you'd find just a short subway ride away in Manhattan.

But we were there and immediately Skylar headed for the Clinique section of the make-up floor. She handed the clerk a piece of paper and said "I need those."

While the clerk searched for her products, Skylar produced from her purse a small empty container with "MAC" embossed on it.

"Go take this to the MAC counter and tell them you need another one just like it."

Now you may find this hard to believe, but I'm actually one of those fags who has NEVER been to a MAC counter before. (My ex boyfriend Adrian would cringe if he knew that) I took this as an oppurtunity to go amuse myself, so I grabbed the empty container and headed off to the MAC counter.

"Hi," I said as I walked up. "She said I'm supposed to give you this and say I need one just like it."

The woman laughed, mistaking me for an incompetent boyfriend who'd been sent on a mission. I picked up on this immediately and decided to play the part. I stood there playing my part while they searched for her eyeshadow.

"I'm sorry, we're out of that color." the woman said, poking her head up from the counter.

"Oh no," I groaned. "You're going to get me in so much trouble."

The girls laughed and I headed over to Skylar to give her the bad news and to tell her about the charade I was playing off with the MAC girls.

As it turns out, Clinque was also out of what Skylar was looking for and my news was not well received. She also didn't believe for a minute the MAC girls thought I was straight.

She grabbed my hand and stormed over to the counter where they apologized and set about helping her find other colors. As I was giving my opinion on various colors, the one girl remarked "You have such a nice boyfriend to help you shop like this."

A satisfied grin crossed my faith and I mouthed at Skylar "Told ya so."

After a few minutes, I casually remarked "Nothing makes me act more like a straight man then shopping with her."

The salesgirl looked up surprised, and I gave Skylar another satisfied smile.

The next order of business was clothes.

ARGH!

The ones she liked were either too big or too small. We floated back and forth between what she called "The Skinny Bitch" section and "The Fat Girl" section finding nothing she both liked and fit her in either. After an hour, we finally made our way to the fitting rooms with about 85 different choices. OK. it was more like 3 shirts and 4 pairs of pants ... Finding the fitting rooms were a bit of an ordeal themselves, and then I sat and watched TV while she tried on outfits and occasionally paraded one out for approval.

Finally she came storming out of the dressing room with an armful of clothes.

"Let's get out of here before I get into a fight with that stupid bitch!" Skylar barked in a rather loud voice.

On the way to the checkout counter, Skylar went on to tell me how some rude salesclerk had tried to rush her and "copped a tude."

Standing in line waiting to pay, I overheard a woman behind us saying to her friend "I can't believe you let your husband walk around with no teeth."

I certainly wouldn't have overheard this at the Manhattan Macy's.

The last order of business was to try to get a price adjustment on a pair of pants that Skylar wanted, but that was missing a button.

"Let me get a manager," the girl at the checkout line told her. "But I don't think she'll do it."

A bleached blonde fat chick with a mullet waddled over and veto'd Skylar's discount.

"That's ok, I didn't expect you to help me." Skylar snapped, pulling out her credit card to buy the pants anyway.

As the woman waddled back to the other side of the store, Skylar mumbled under her breathe "Fat Cunt."

"Can we stop in the men's department? I wanna see their DKNY stuff..." I asked as we headed towards the front door.

Suddennly the bell sounded alerting us the store was closing.

"Never mind." I said as we walked out of the store and back towards Skylar's house.

Back at Skylar's house, the trauma of the Macy's ordeal was washed away as we smoked a bowl and watched American Idol. Dinner was delivered about 3o minutes later (mine was penne pasta in a creamy tomato sauce with ground beef and asparagus) and by 11 o'clock I was sound asleep, and my night at Macy's would now be just a distant memory.

Silly Rabbit ...

I'm truly a fool sometimes. Anybody who knows me knows this fact about me. I'm a sucker for a sad story and a pretty face. And when the two come in one package - OI VEY!

My friend April was in town visiting this weekend, and after a bit of alcohol on Saturday night, on our way to a club, we ran into a rather attractive young man with a backpack who told a homeless man begging us for change to take a hike.

Well as it turns out, the attractive young man's name was Chris, and he too was homeless. Not your usual homeless boy though, this boy had looks, an adorable NYC accent AND the ability to charm the pants off a nun ... and nuns don't even wear pants, right?

April and I conferenced and then decided we should take him with us to the club. We were meeting up with a friend of mine, and were "on the list" anyway ... we'd just talk one more person in.

Well as it turns out, we ran into my friend Vito outside the club and all ended up going to a local pub a few blocks away. Afterwards, as we were walking April back to her hotel, and alcohol had a firm grip on my decision making abilities so I suggested that "Homeless Chris" stay at my ghetto hotel with me for the night ... I couldn't imagine just leaving him on the streets. No friends. Nowhere to sleep. Rain starting.

It's now Monday, and he's sleeping at my ghetto hotel, as I sit in Times Square and write about it. He's told me I've "made a friend for life" and I'm basically just waiting till check out tommorrow, giving him my cell phone # and telling him to keep in touch. Then it's off to stay with Skylar for a few nights, before finally heading back to Maine for the weekend on Thursday.

It's not that I want my life to be boring... But the thing is ... I've done this exact same thing at least one other time before that I can think of. LOL - OK, perhaps it's time to start learning from my mistakes.

From this day forward ... I will not take in any more bisexual, homeless grifters.

There!

Whew! I feel better now! :)

The "J" Train To Nowhere...

The other night, while on my way back to my ghetto hotel, from my friend Skylar's house I encountered a rather unusual adventure on my way home.

First of all, one of the subway stops that I use quite frequently now is VERY difficult to find your way around. It's like a maze and all of the corridors look exactly the same. Well I was wandering around, innocently trying to find my "J" train but having no luck when this adorable chick came up and asked me if *I* knew where it was. I told her I didn't, but we decided to search together.

We ended up running into this spanish man, who she stopped and asked for help. She spoke to him in perfect spanish, and before I knew it another man had overheard and come to offer his input. By the end of this fiasco I was watching this girl and 4 other men all discussing the subway in Spanish.

UGH! I was confused.

The girl just decided to give up and take a cab home but I was determined. It turned out that because of track work, they were running really weird routes you had to take to get you to the train that goes to Brooklyn, which was my end destination.

Once on the train, I was greeted by one of the fabulous diva's who works for the MTA here in New York City. She came out of her cage in the subway car to give me exact directions to where I was going and to tell me the train would be sitting in this station for the next 10 minutes, before it was scheduled to leave. (Almost unheard of in the NYC subway) I saw her grab her pack of cigarettes and was going to follow her outside.

"Oh no baby," she said as she saw me headed for the exit. "Nobody's here... we'll just smoke here."

So we sat and had a cigarette, and she proceeded to tell me about her life and her job. Turned out the poor woman was working on her day off. She'd gotten home that morning at 8am, gone out to buy her lottery tickets, get her some food ...and then the phone calls started. She went on to tell me that they have a very long memory and if she had said no, the next time she needed a favor she'd be "S.O.L." (Her words)

I about fell off my chair when she said "It's a good thing they didn't call me before I got my drink on."

Yes, definitely a good thing.

Yesterday I did some more job hunting ... and it's just been absolutely fruitless so far. I didn't realize it would be this difficult to get a fucking waitering job. I ended up going over to Skylars so she could get me cuted up to go out.

I ended up getting high with her, fuckin with my hair and then leaving to go out around midnight. I got down to the village and walked around ... there was a group of hot boys standing outside the club I was going to go to, but it hit me then that I really don't like going out alone. It's no fun. So instead, I crossed the street and had a slice of pizza from what I think is one of the best pizza places in the city. Then I got on the subway back to Brooklyn, took some sleeping pills, read a little bit more of my book and fell asleep.

Not very exciting ... but hey ... I can't always have drama going on, now can I? :)

It's funny, cause I've noticed that I'm so much less boy crazy since I've been back. For the first time in a really long time I don't feel any overwhelming need to be in a relationship. I mean that's not to say I wouldn't be open to one ... but I don't feel like it's my main focus, like it so often becomes with me. I'm doing a lot for ME right now ... to get where I want to be ... become who I want to be... It's time I was my number one priority.

My friend Ari turns 30 this weekend... I plan on celebrating it with him ... and I know it will be a huge reminder for me that I'll be reaching the big 3-0 myself soon ... I feel a midlife crisis coming on. But, more on that when it happens.

It's Friday night and I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. My friend April is coming in from Maine tommorrow, so I may hae a quiet night tonight, then go out with her tommorrow.

I had to bite the bullet and ask the rents for a little more money to help me out ... which I so hate doing. I'm just so determined that this move is going to be successful, and whatever I have to do to insure that, I will.

Now, if my cooky best friend Jamie could just hurry up and get his ass up here, I'd have a playmate again. HEY JAMIE ... TICK TOCK TICK TOCK! Time's a wastin'!

Happy 4/20 !!!

Maine held me captive a little longer then I thought it was going to. I got there Thursday night, and just finally returned to the city yesterday.

In my infinite wisdom, and to save a buck (70 of them to be exact) I decided to stay in a different "pay by the week/semi-hotel" kind of place. This ones in Williamsburg (Brooklyn) and is only one stop away from Manhattan ... but I made the mistake of going right there from the airport with luggage in tow.

Had I had some time to think about it, I probably would have chosen to go back to my West Village location and pay the extra $70. But after they showed me the room, the though of carrying my luggage half way around the city again sounded even less appealing then spending the week in that place, so laziness won out, as it usually tends to.

Last night was another one of those awesome nights though ... I met up with my friend Ari who I hadn't seen in years. (With the exception of a run-in on the street on my birthday) His number just popped back into my brain and so I decided to give him a call. I went over to his house around 7:30 and we spent the night drinking Jack Daniels and catching up.

It's amazing to me, and a real source of comfort in these transition times, to know that these people, who were my close friends during my time here in NYC before, are so willing to accept me back in their lives after being gone for so long... and it reaffirms the belief I've had for a while that this truly was the place where I was surrounded by the best people I've had in my life.

Anyway, I've been killing time in this net cafe for almost 3 hours now ... Skylar just invited me to go celebrate 4/20 with her with a little 420! :) So, I'm off to get high with my buddy ...and then ... who knows?... It's New York, right?

And the Emmy goes to ...

A few years back, while I was living in Florida, I came up to NYC for a visit, and ended up seeing my ex, Tom for the first time in years. It just so happened that it was at a Daytime Emmy after party, which was hosted by Procter and Gamble, who owned As The World Turns, where Tom worked as a writer.

As it happened they had won the Emmy that year. I don't care how good you look, or how prepared you think you are. When you see someone who you used to be intimate with, it doesn't matter how fabulous you are. If they're holding an Emmy, they've got you beat.

Well for the first time in years, I saw Tom last night and this time there was no Emmy. The meeting took place in front of a pizza place on the corner of Christopher and Bleecker, after a few semi-drunk (both of us) phone calls, debating whether or not it was too late to hang out.

I'd actually given up when we first talked, and headed to Pieces for karaoke and a drink. It was while I was there that he called. He'd had a rough night and wanted to get out of his house.

Of course I dragged him to a nearby piano bar, where we put a few cocktails in our already tipsy selves. It wasn't weird or awkward like I'd feared (thank you alcohol!) and we mixed discussion about the past, in with discussion about the present. I came to a lot of realizations about the time we'd spent together, and it felt good to share those with him and get his take on things too.

He walked me back to my place... and I asked if he wanted to come up. I explained that it wasn't for any romantic or sexual motivations... I just hadn't seen him in a long time and I didn't quite want to say goodnight yet.

So we didn't.

We said goodnight this afternoon when I put him on the subway home.

It was wonderful to spend time with him, and I think that a friendship might actually be in the cards this time around. We both noted how we were so intense with each other, but had bypassed all the real getting to know you stuff. Partly cause we had a lot in common, and partially because of sharing the same birthday (he's a year older) we felt we already knew so much about the other.

It'd be interesting to finally get to know Tom. I'll call him ... in a few days... and see what I can do about getting that to happen.

In other news, before that part of my evening I had a wonderful dinner with Brian at the Times Square Brewery, and sounded off to him about my depressing day. He's a good listener.... things will definitely move slowly there, if they continue to even go in that direction. But maybe it's time for me to give slow a shot. Lord knows I've never really been successful at it before. Who knows, right?

I filled out so many applications today my hands are bleeding, and now I'm off to go spend a little quality time with my friend Skylar who I haven't seen in years. One of my favorite hags in the city for sure...

Tommorrow it's back to Maine for the weekend... BLEH! What a party pooper, huh? :)

One Of Those Days...

So my big productive day turned out to not be that productive. Depression or the effects of my sleeping pills (I'm not sure which) kept me unable to get out of bed till almost 5 in the afternoon. I wasted a day ... and was kind of upset about myself for doing so ...

But I woke up to several messages from Brian (the boy I'm a little ga-ga for right now) asking if I wanted to hang out tonight...

In the end, I drug myself out of bed and walked around the city, a little stoned, but feeling good ... even though I was angry about my wasted day.

Brian and I met up at the Times Square Brewery and had a rather nice dinner... at the end of it, one of the waiters approached me... looking as though he had something to say.

"Kevin?" he asked.

"Uhm... yeah ... Oh my gosh HI!" I said, pretending to remember.

As it turns out, it's an old friend of mine from acting class... and the end result was him telling me that they were hiring at the Times Square Brewery and that he'd put in a good word for me.

So I wasted my job hunting day, but because I went and had dinner with "the boy" I might have found myself a job anyway.

Only in New York ...

OK, well maybe not only in New York ... but certainly where I'd rather have it happen ...

Tommorrow will be better. I'll make it be.

But today ... today wasn't so bad after all.

Kevin Is Home!

I had a rather irritating experience after having been off the bus from the airport, and in Manhattan for only minutes.

The bus from Newark conveniently dropped me off at the corner of 34'th and 8'th, right in front of the subway train I needed. I was stoked and immediately walked down to get my metro card.

I thought briefly about just getting it from the attendant, but decided to use the machine instead. No one ever gets ripped off by them, right?

Mother fucker! The goddamn thing ate $23 of my dollars and then jammed up and shut down, not spitting out either a metro-card or cash. I was QUITE irritated. The lady in the booth gave me a number and said to call and they'd send me a credit.

"A CREDIT?!" I protested. "This is a big chunk of change for me right now! Are you serious??!?!"

"Serious as a heart attack!" was her snappy response. This angered me further, and in the end I ended up forking up another $24 dollars to her, rather then chance using any machine ... possibly ever again.

I got checked into the hotel I'm going to be staying at while I get settled and such ... got crafty and made a bowl to smoke some dope out of from a Nestea Iced Tea can, then walked around the village for a bit with my MP3 player blarin some good tunes.

I'm sitting at the Easy Everything internet cafe in Times Square contemplating what to do with my night. I've texted a few friends, and will probably see one of them later. Brian, the boy I met while on my vacation here a few weeks ago may end up texting me to hang out later... which would be a super groovy first night.

But... if the past few days have taught me anything it's that when I try to make something happen, it never seems to work out the way I want. I think I'm going to try just going with the flow for a little while ... just let what's going to be, be.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna chill tonight. I'm home... and if it's going to be an exciting night, or if it's gonna be a boring night with nothing too exciting to do ... Either way, I've got plenty more nights just like it ahead ... It really does feel good to be back.

Tommorrow... the search for my first NYC waitering job. Now THAT should be a day to write about.